Reflection, 1am

Its 1:35am. I'm sitting on my comfy office chair- the one on which I've spent so many hours reading, grading, writing, building castles in the air. I'm in front of my computer staring at my big, bright monitor- the new "god of my idolatry," yes, that one. (And thank you Shakespeare.) I'm contemplating, thinking and reflecting. Its that time. Early morn. The wee hours that render the tired and mellow mind vulnerable to thought. The time when the city is quiet, asleep, and muses fly away from their hidings through the night, under the ever shining stars, and pay their visit to welcoming writers hungry for inspiration. The muse sits on the bare shoulder. The mind welcomes thought. The hand writes. The eyes follow through. Craved catharsis.

I have been thinking about time. Its amazing how it flies by. It slips from our hands without us even noticing. The baby turns 1. The adult 28. Life goes on. Just like that, I've taken and passed my prelimps. Just like that. What was once so far away already took place and is gone. A thing of the past. I am now getting ready to defend the exam in front of my committee. I cannot believe I'm so close to starting my dissertation. Finally, I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. It is faint and weak and far away, but it shines and I can see it. I see it. I am determined to take on this project full force. I have an impulse in me that I don't know where its coming from. But its there. And I will not let it go. I will not stop no matter what. I'm a train in full speed. Step out of the way. News at the university are not good. These days they never are. I am facing a great problem (me and the rest of my colleagues) but I am determined not to let it stop me or bring me down. It already did. And I already stood up. Up! Faced with significant budget cuts, the university is threatening to close down our department and to eliminate the PhD program. We would all graduate, yes, but our degrees would devalue tremendously in the job market. Its is disheartening. Very much so. But there's really no option except to be hopeful and keep going on, chin up and head high.

I have also been thinking a lot about life lately. The way that it twists and turns, sometimes unpredictably. The way it brings you things unexpectedly. Sometimes they're good, and sometimes they're not so good. Yet, all we can really do is take them as they come, remain calm and composed (or at least as much as possible), breathe-in deep, and keep on going chin up and head high. Then, after the storm is over, it is our job to look back and reflect on how these things, these surprises, shape and form us into what and who we are. It is our ability to remain true to ourselves (oh Hamlet!), to stick to our core values, morals, and beliefs, what ultimately makes the bitterness seem not that bad after all. This might be tough and require monumental strength, but it is rewarding and gives such confidence and pride. There is sweetness in this. I've also reflected on people and the role that those who sorround us and those we sorround ourselves with have in our lives. Its really amazing, so choose your company well. Word of advice: if its not good, bid good-bye or, at least, be cautious and keep your distance.

I have also thought hard and long about actions. Our own actions and people's actions. It is especially amusing to me how actions often produce a ripple effect. Our actions affect others because, even if we don't realize it, we all have power: power over ourselves and power over others. We must be aware of this power and not abuse it. Power can do great harm if abused or misused. People seldom think their actions over before carrying them out. They seldom think about the effects that they might have on others. They fail to place themselves in other's shoes. This is lack of solidarity, compassion, and love. This is greed and selfishness. This is being self-centered. This is inconsiderate. This we all should avoid.

I've though a lot about reason and emotions: the brain and the heart. Must they always contradict each other? And how can we reconciliate the two? Why does one tend to obliterate the other or render the other innefective? And what to do about this? Let the heart lead the way or let reason step in and hit the brakes? Pace all you philosophers dead and alive. Pace Plato.

I've thought about love. And love and language. I was watching Oprah not too long ago (yes, I watch Oprah sometimes) and she had a guest who traveled the world and wrote a book about what he learned from other cultures. He said that we (should I say we?) Americans need to develop a new approach to love and loving. Have you noticed that there is only 1 word in English for love? And have you noticed how oversued it is? How can you tell a person "I love you" using the same word you use to say you like ice cream a lot? "I love you X" "I love chocolate ice cream" "What a lovely day" Love, love, love. Overused. Oh, love. How do you say "Te quiero" or "Te quiero mucho" in English? Ah, language. Signs are arbitrary and meaning relative. It is all too slippery. So how can we communicate effectively if the system is flawed? And then there is always the weight of words. The risk of using the wrong word. The butterfly landing on the wrong place. I also thought about Woody Allen and Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Will we humans ever learn to love? We we ever learn to be loved? Who can we ask? Who can teach this? Is that even possible? Vulnerability. We are all so vulnerable to this supernatural, unexplainable force.

I've thought about relations. How we are all related or connected in some way. How someone elses' storm makes waves and these waves crash on my shore and I see them and feel them but my stance remains firm. Strong. I stand. I observe the tempest, feel the rough sea, but keep my calm and keep moving on along my personal path, at my own pace looking up at the sun. I see everything around me changes and I change but I am happy. I am above these changes.

I've though about these things for quite some time. I'm most of all interested in people. In the role that others play in our lives. In how they are sometimes given this role and on how they sometimes just assume it. I've also though about the fragility of our lives. How they can change drastically from one minute to the next. Our lives are narratives. Open narratives. Open to visiting actors, home to permanent actors, and vulnerable to agents of change.

"All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exist and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts."
-As You LIke It, Shakespeare

As the semester comes to a close and summer slowly shows its head through the window, I think once more about closing a chapter and opening another. Its the same every semester, every New Year's day, every birthday. Its that need to find a landmark, a defining point, an accasion that justifies change. And change is definitely comming. It'll be slow, but its comming. And I can't wait! This train is not stopping.